i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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