dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
