Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
