sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I have so many feelings about this burrito
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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