I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize