Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
