1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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