Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
