I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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