so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize