My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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