And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
