apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
