Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
