my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
