I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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