The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize