mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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