I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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