This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
