Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
