if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
