My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
