party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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