Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
