she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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