there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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