I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
