I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize