I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize