Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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