when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
