I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
