I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
