this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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