I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
