...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
