Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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