My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
