Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
