I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
