What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
