Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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