totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
