Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
