i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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