I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
