She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
