Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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