It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
