I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
