Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize