piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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