i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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