I smell stomach acid.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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