were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
