If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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