i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
