You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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