remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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