I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize