But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize