I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
