Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
