Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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