ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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